Competition to Create Best Message to Send to Aliens Reveals a Very Depressed, Cynical Earth
In order to celebrate the 50th anniversary of SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence), England’s Telegraph newspaper asked readers to submit what they would like to communicate to aliens before the visit Earth. Expecting wonderful, uplifting notes extolling our virtues as humans, the Telegraph was shocked to discover the opposite, with the overwhelming majority asking for aliens to please put us out of our misery.
For what would he learn about mankind? First, that we are vicious, creatures who have already done a great job of wrecking our home. “Please kill us now … have no mercy,” urged a gentleman from Indiana. “We are evil and you must defend yourself.”
“Keep away from this planet,” agreed Pamela from Sicily. “Mankind is only intent on depleting, abusing and destroying [it]. They will do the same to yours should they find it. Mankind is the worst virus in the universe. You have been warned.”
Nick from Calne was equally blunt: “If you manage to work out how to travel to us, don’t bother, as we’ll probably probe you, try to blow you up or worse still, steal your technology and invade… Have a nice day.”
Rob from Georgia, meanwhile, was prepared to throw the rest of mankind to the lions: “Dearest Aliens, If you choose to conquer Earth, please do not kill or enslave those of us who can name all 12 men to have walked on the Moon. We are the ones worth keeping around.”
Seema from Elgin had a compelling reason for ET not to bother with us: “If you’re planning to visit our planet, please know you will need to remove all metal from your person, take your shoes off and submit to a full body scan, carry all liquids/gels/aerosols in clear plastic bottles no bigger than 3.4oz, surrender all cigarette lighters and batteries, pack all jams and jellies (but pies can be carried on)… Oh, yes. Welcome to the Earth!”
Fantastic Music Video Pays Homage to Art Masterpieces
L’Ogre has created a wonderful music video for the song 70 Million, by the band Hold Your Horses! In the video, various art masterpieces are recreated with stunning accuracy, creating a beautiful montage of creativity.
70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L’Ogre on Vimeo.
Blindfolded Girl Puts Star Wars Figurines in Mouth, Successfully Detects Identity of Toy
The benchmark for useless talents is constantly shifting, evidenced by this video of a German game show. Here we see a young girl, blindfolded, with the uncanny ability to detect the identity of a Star Wars figurine by simply placing it in her mouth. I will leave the erotic ramifications of this talent to your own twisted imagination, but the video will clearly speak for itself. How does one stumble upon this ability? I guess we all have a purpose after all.
Oscar-Winning LOGORAMA Directors to Direct Ghost Recon Short Film
LOGORAMA was the winner at this year’s Oscars, taking the award for best animated short, a well-deserved win as LOGORAMA is brilliant from top-to-bottom. If you haven’t seen the short film, I have embedded it below. Video game publisher Ubisoft was so impressed with the work they have signed the directing duo of Francois Alaux and Herve de Crecy to create a short work for the recently announced Ghost Recon: Future Soldiers. Unlike their prize winning LOGORAMA, the Ghost Recon will movie will not be animated.
The film will be setup as a prequel to the game and will hopefully benefit from a rather sizable budget currently pegged at $10-million, which isn’t chump change. Adding another layer of quality is Tim Sexton, who will be writing the script. Mr. Sexton is best known for writing the screenplay for the science-fiction movie Children of Men.
[Oscars 2010 Mejor Cortometraje] – Logorama
Bad Company 2: When Bad Players Ruin a Great Game
I haven’t officially reviewed Battlefield Bad Company 2, though I’ll make my opinion quite clear: it is superior to Modern Warfare 2 in every respect. I’ll be presenting my case in a future article, one that will surely irritate MW2 fans clinging to brand loyalty. In the meantime, I have some issues with Battlefield Bad Company 2 that are driving me nuts and chances are you…yes you, are responsible.
World Wide Suck
Unlike most video games that are either great or not based upon its own merits, Battlefield Bad Company 2 is a truly great game, made less so by an abundance of players who don’t know their ass from their elbow. I’ve made an attempt to alleviate some of the rampant suck by writing a helpful multiplayer guide, which you can find here. Part II will be coming soon.
Unfortunately, most people who suck don’t know they suck and hence, their suckiness continues to evolve within an impenetrable bubble of suck. That would be fine if they were playing on their own private server, but they aren’t; they’re cooped up with me and I’m trying to win a round.
Let’s take a closer gander at how players suck:
What’s The Objective?
Bad Company 2 multiplayer has a pretty simple objective, depending upon the game type: either blow up or defend two crates within a zone in Rush, or capture and hold at least 2 out of 3 control points in Conquest. While this seems pretty freaking straight-forward, apparently these concepts are very difficult to understand for an alarming number of players.
If you are not actively engaged in either defending or assaulting crates or control zones, you are wasting everyone’s time who has an interest in playing the game as it is designed. I’m talking to you, the six snipers on the assaulting team, hiding up in the mountains for the entire duration of the round, taking pot shots at defenders who aren’t even busy defending. No team needs 6 snipers. That’s 6 people who will never assault the crate. Add to this a few people in tanks and a few more in a helicopter, and you’re left with only a few poor bastards (usually me) trying to penetrate enemy lines with zero support.
Let me make this real simple: When you are on the attacking team, you cannot win by killing more of the defensive team than they kill of you. It’s not possible. It’s doesn’t matter how many times you try or wish things were differently, it just won’t work. This isn’t Modern Warfare 2.
Typical Scene: I’m on defense. An enemy has penetrated the lines and managed to activate a crate. In a perfect world, several defenders would be converging on that area with guns blazing, removing hostiles and deactivating the bomb. This isn’t what I generally see.
Instead, I see people standing around, making no effort whatsoever. Or, if they make an effort, it is so half-assed as to be useless, like the dainty noobs who appear too frightened to enter a building because they might get killed so they hang around outside like a gaggle of drifters, waiting for god knows what until finally the bomb explodes, objective lost. Good work men. Try not to work up a sweat next time.
Where The F*&K Did You Get Your Pilot’s License, Phoenix University?
My balls shrivel every time I hop into a helicopter as a gunner or passenger, my life at the mercy of some pilot I don’t know. It’s like Chat-Roulette, you never know what is going to happen or what you’re going to see, but chances are it won’t be pretty.
Some people just aren’t born to fly. I’ll place some of the blame of this on DICE, who made no attempt to create a flight tutorial or practice area, two elements that would have gone a long way in reducing frustration. Because of this omission, players are left learning to fly in a live multiplayer environment and that means the rest of us get to be Guinea Pigs for your flight-training.
If you can’t fly, please don’t hog such a valuable asset. Learn by watching. Read the manual for controls. Adjust the controls from the options menu to better suit your style. Hell, just know the controls.
The absolute worst thing that can happen is a rookie pilot uses the helicopter as an expensive transport vehicle, landing the machine behind enemy lines, hopping out and doing whatever that noob is going to do. In the meantime, a crafty enemy simply jumps into the copter and takes it for himself. If he knows what he’s doing, that helicopter will now become a serious threat to the other team. Worse, the original team won’t gain access to another helicopter until the original is destroyed. This rule hold true for all vehicles, not just helicopters.
Every vehicle you abandon can, and will be, used against you. Either repair the vehicle or blow it up so it respawns. Don’t just let it sit around!
A word of advice on flying: don’t over-compensate. Little movements on the stick is all you need. Learn to hover first, controlling your speed by pitching the nose forward and back. Fly slow at first until you gain some insight.
More on Page 2
Ubisoft DRM Shows Its Ass in Weekend Collapse
Ubisoft’s misguided and universally despised Digital Rights Management system proved itself a complete failure over the weekend, depriving rightful owners of Assassin’s Creed II and Silent Hunter 5 the ability to play the very games they paid for. It would appear Ubisoft’s servers failed, an event everyone knew would happen sooner or later as a perfect illustrative example of DRM nonsense that harms no one but the paying customer.
Ubisoft, is all this bad press really worth these daily articles? Can you truly say you’ve sold more copes of Assassin’s Creed II and Silent Hunter 5 because of your new DRM scheme? Or have you pushed away even more customers and alienated loyal fans? It’s not too late to call the whole thing off and return to creating stable, relatively bug-free games that merit a purchase.
Over the weekend, two statements were issued from the UK Community Manager:
Ubi.Vigil (UK Community Manager): I don’t have any clear information on what the issue is since I’m not in the office, but clearly the extended downtime and lengthy login issues are unacceptable, particularly as I’ve been told these servers are constantly monitored.
I’ll do what I can to get more information on what the issue is here first thing tomorrow and push for a resolution and assurance this won’t happen in the future. I realise that’s not ideal but there’s only so much I can do on a weekend as I’m not directly involved with the server side of this system.
Ubi.Vigil (UK Community Manager): Due to exceptional demand, we are currently experiencing difficulties with the Online Service Platform. This does not affect customers who are currently playing, but customers attempting to start a game may experience difficulty in accessing our servers. We are currently working to resolve this issue and apologize for any inconvenience.
Revolt for iPhone Looks Very Impressive in New Trailer
Revolt is a twin-stick shooter (or twin-thumbs if you’re a stickler for accuracy) featuring some of the best graphics yet on the iPhone. Gameplay appears pretty solid for this type of genre and the feature list is very promising. Perhaps most impressive is that Revolt was made by only two people over 10 months of time.
Features:
- 8 Story Levels and 20 Survival Arenas
- 15 Weapons
- 8 Unique Enemy Types
- Weapon and Armor Upgrades
- Advanced Gameplay
- Destructible Environments
- 3 Difficulty Modes
- Kickass 3d Graphics
- Killer Music and Sound Effects
- High Score Leaderboard
Ubisoft’s New DRM Cracked in Under 24-Hours – Updated!
Thursday Update: Good morning peoples. Now that the news has spread like wildfire, Ubisoft is finally issuing a response and it is predictably vague. So vague that I am inclined to believe their statement doesn’t hold much water or truth. Is it possible some aspect of the game is missing? Sure. Is it likely? No, not given how Ubisoft designed Silent Hunter V, meaning it’s not an MMO and it’s world doesn’t exist on a 3rd-party server. If Ubisoft really wants to defeat piracy, may I suggest that your next game be called Silent Hunter Online? Problem solved.
Also know that Ubisoft basically admitted this was possible only one week ago in an interview with PC Gamer, Ubisoft was asked what would happen in the future if Ubisoft took the servers down; how would players be able to continue playing the game?
Response: “If for some reason, and this is not in the plan, but if for some reason all of the servers someday go away, then we can release a patch so that the game can be played in single-player without an online connection. But that’s if all of the servers are gone.”
Translation: If a patch can be made in the future…a patch can be made right now, by hackers.
Here’s Ubisoft’s “please believe us” statement:
“You have probably seen rumors on the web that Assassin’s Creed II and Silent Hunter 5 have been cracked. Please know that this rumor is false and while a pirated version may seem to be complete at start up, any gamer who downloads and plays a cracked version will find that their version is not complete.”
Ubisoft made serious waves when they announced a new DRM policy for all new PC titles, beginning with Silent Hunter 5 and Assassin’s Creed 2. The new scheme UbiSoft hoped would thwart piracy requires all legitimate users to have a permanent Internet connection that continuously authenticates a copy of the game. Additionally, save game files are now stored on UbiSoft servers. This new system has angered long-time fans who are rightfully pissed off that this new procedure will undermine the integrity of their game, i.e., lose Internet connection and you can’t play the game, or Ubisoft servers take a hike and you’re left holding your dick.
Well, Ubisoft’s master plan has collapsed in under 24-hours, as infamous cracker group Skid-Row has tackled the new DRM and rendered it useless, meaning the only people now suffering with this ridiculous DRM are legitimate owners.
Silent Hunter NFO:
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² RELEASE DATE : 03-03-2010 PROTECTION : Ubisoft DRM ²
² GAME TYPE : Submarine Simulation DISKS : 1 DVD ²
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Û Û Operate against Allied shipping on a vast area all across the Û Û
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Û Û Support the companies, which software you actually enjoy! Û Û
James Cameron Can’t Handle Sacha Baron Cohen
With the Oscars fast approaching, word has been leaking about what viewers can’t expect from the ceremony. One story that came out this week was the Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as Bruno/Borat/Ali G, would be a presenter. This meant we could expect some weird and wonderful to happen, as Mr. Cohen is known for going off-script and ratcheting up the embarrassment level for his victim.
Further details emerged that Sacha Cohen would be dressed as a female Na’Vi from the movie Avatar, his words interpreted by co-presenter Ben Stiller. At some point, it was to be revealed that Sacha’s Na’Vi character is pregnant with James Cameron’s love child. It’s at the mention of James Cameron, a man notorious for not having a sense of humor about himself, that this bit has completely fallen apart, according to New York Magazine.
Mechanic, now both a producer of motion pictures and of this year’s Oscar telecast, was head of Twentieth Century Fox when Cameron’s Titanic famously went massively over budget and over schedule, so he’s well acquainted with Cameron’s sense of humor — or lack of it. “Let’s just say that Cameron isn’t known to be, shall we say, ‘self-deprecating,’” explained one insider familiar with the decision to cut the sketch.
Academy spokesperson Toni Thompson would only confirm that Baron Cohen was no longer presenting, but Baron Cohen’s spokesman, Matt Labov, tells Vulture that “I hate to use the term, because it’s so ubiquitous, but there were ‘creative differences.’ Nothing acrimonious, but both sides felt that since they couldn’t agree, [Cohen] might as well remain in London.” (Calls to Mechanic’s office were not returned at deadline.)
So in case you’re ranking celebrity senses of humor at home, you can now safely put Cameron below Eminem.
Lock of Napoleon’s Hair Discovered in Australia
A lock of Napoleon Bonaparte’s hair has been discovered in Sydney, Australia, where it had been buried in a town hall vault for several decades, affixed to a letter that identifies the hair as belonging to the legendary Emperor of France. Offering locks of hair was considered a great gift in days of yore, though this particular tuft is believed to have come from Napoleon’s death-bed on the island of St. Helena, where he lived out his final days in exile.
What makes this discovery so potentially intriguing is that it has long been believed by many scholars and historians that Napoleon was assassinated in exile by dosages of arsenic. This latest tuft of hair should be facing DNA analysis at some point, the results of which should indicate an arsenic level.
More information on the assassination of Napoleon can be found here.
In the letter, a Scotsman named Ned Todd explains that he was given the hair by a woman whose brother, a Major William Crockat, had been present at Napoleon’s death.
“If I mistake not she said that her brother (Major Crockat) had himself cut the lock from the head of the illustrious dead,” he wrote.
Miss Betteridge said it was known that Napoleon’s hair was cut after his death and that Crockat appeared in a painting depicting the death scene.
Two years of renovations to improve the Town Hall have uncovered scores of strange objects stored in underground vaults.
The most valuable piece is likely to be a large Sevres vase, a gift from France following Sydney’s hosting of an international exhibition in 1879.
